INTJ and INFJ Relationships: Do They Work?
People often ask if INTJ and INFJ relationships work. The answer is, well, it depends on what you mean by “work.”
INTJs and INFJs are two of the rarest personality types, and people with these personalities often have a lot in common. They’re both analytical, quiet, and intense. But that doesn’t mean that they always get along – in fact, the two can be quite opposite.
INTJs are logical and direct, while INFJs are sensitive and emotional. Those two aspects have a tendency to collide.
Does that mean this relationship is doomed? It all depends on how well the two can understand each other’s differences and appreciate what makes them special.
INTJs and INFJs: Similarities and Differences
Before we dive into whether INTJ and INFJ relationships have a shot, let’s go back and briefly explore how these personalities are similar and different. For a fuller look, check out our INTJ vs INFJ: Similarities and Differences Guide for additional insights.
Similarities
In both types, the dominant function is introverted intuition (Ni). This means that they try to understand things by looking at the hidden meaning. They focus on symbols and abstract connections.
INFJs and INTJs are also both introverted thinking types (Ti). Without getting too technical here, this means that they make decisions based primarily on personal insights, rather than external influences. This makes them more confident in their decision-making abilities than the average person.
Another similarity between INFJs and INTJs is that both types prefer to keep their inner worlds highly organized. They crave personal space and quiet time.
Neither type likes spontaneity, so they’re both at ease with planning things in advance.
Differences
The primary difference between INTJs and INFJs lies in the auxiliary function. This is called the “creative” function because it helps the user generate new ideas.
INFJs use extroverted feeling (Fe) as their auxiliary function while INTJs use extroverted thinking (Te).
Extroverted Feeling is very people-oriented and allows INFJs to understand what others are feeling. It leads them to be supportive of others in a nurturing way, and it encourages them to put the needs of others first.
INTJs, on the other hand, are not naturally in tune with how others are feeling. They tend to believe that their own perceptions are more accurate than those of other people, so they are less likely to have Fe as part of their personality.
The second difference between INTJs and INFJs is that the latter is far more emotionally intense than the former. Because of this difference in temperament, INFJs can sometimes seem like they are “overly emotional.” This does not mean that INTJs do not experience or care about emotions. It just means that INFJs focus their attention on emotional matters more readily than INTJs do.
Do INTJ and INFJ relationships make sense?
INTJ and INFJ relationships only work if both partners are willing to put in the effort that is required for this type of relationship to succeed. This might seem like a universal truth, but it is especially true for this pair.
Both types have strengths that can balance out some of their unique weaknesses when they are together. However, they also have striking differences that make things challenging.
INTJ and INFJ romantic compatibility: What works?
In a romantic relationship, the INFJ-INTJ dynamic works best when both partners are tolerant of and able to complement the other’s differences.
INTJs may wish that their partner would stop worrying so much about feelings, while INFJs can feel smothered by INTJs’ desire for constant alone time.
These kinds of differences can lead to misunderstanding in a relationship, so this pair will need to pick their battles wisely.
INFJs can make ideal romantic partners for INTJs because INFJs are highly in tune with the emotional state of their partner, while INTJs offer a level head and logical approach to problems. For partners who want to develop the skills they lack, this makes for a perfect pairing.
Both types tend to keep their inner worlds balanced and stable, which can help them understand each other more readily. They’re also both planners and protective of their personal space, which is great because extroverted spontaneity is the last thing either of these types wants in their lives.
INFJ partners can be good for INTJs because their warm and sensitive nature helps to bring out a greater depth of feeling in the INTJ who, let’s face it, can be emotionally detached.
INFJs also encourage their INTJ partners to be more open and experimental with their emotions, which can help inspire new personal growth for the INTJ.
The INFJ’s empathy and sensitivity to feelings can offer much-needed support when it comes to understanding other people. In that regard, they have more patience, which is needed when trying to get INTJs to connect emotionally.
This relationship works best when the yin and yang aspects of their personalities sync up well.
Why INTJs might be attracted to INFJs
INTJs may find themselves drawn to INFJs for several reasons.
INFJs are gentle and caring, which helps to balance out the more intense nature of INTJs. That is an attractive quality for INTJs looking for more balance.
In plain terms, if an INTJ wants to connect more with their emotional side without sacrificing their dominant introverted intuition, an INFJ makes perfect sense.
INFJs also inspire their partners to be better people. Because INTJs are constantly pushing themselves to be the best, this is a trait that appeals to them and makes their INFJ partners seem interesting.
They are also very creative, which can be an appealing quality to the rational and somewhat rigid nature of INTJs. An INFJ can help an INTJ become less rigid forcing them into more extraverted social situations that neither wants.
Why INFJs might be attracted to INTJs
INFJs are often attracted to INTJs for their unique combination of strength and sensitivity. They are intrigued by INTJ’s intellect and find them interesting.
Also, INFJs can be attracted to the INTJs “tell-it-like-it-is” approach to life. There is no reading between the lines with them. They say what they mean, which can be comforting a personality type that is more prone to worry.
INFJ partners also enjoy being able to help INTJs develop their understanding of people’s feelings; this is something that INFJs love to do for those they’re close to. They enjoy being able to help people grow and feel fulfilled.
For INFJs who understand their tendency to go a bit overboard with the feelings, an INTJ partner can feel like a good stabilizing force in their lives.
– INTJ men and INFJ women: What to Expect
Much of their relationship will revolve around intellectual discussion because both are good at holding a conversation on any number of topics for hours at a time. INFJs are naturally attracted to INTJs’ intelligence, and INTJs are drawn to the INFJ’s emotional depth.
INFJs bring an emotional tenderness to relationships that are highly valued by INTJs, who often prefer a partner with a strong touch of femininity. INTJs can come off as harsh or unsentimental in their communications, so having a partner who can express emotion without fear is valuable.
INFJ women also offer INTJs the opportunity to be more expressive than they usually are. The INFJ woman will only allow the INTJ man to open up so much, but this helps him learn how to use his feelings productively rather than just suppressing them. They help each other to overcome their respective problems with socialization.
And for some added humor…
– INTJ women and INFJ men: What to Expect
An INTJ woman will appreciate the fact that an INFJ man is open and emotionally available. He won’t shut her out when he wants to be alone, which she is more than happy to give him space to do.
She also won’t have to worry about him putting pressure on her for intimacy, and not understanding why she resists when he does this. INFJs bring a sense of passion and excitement into INTJ women’s lives that they are often missing, due to their single-minded focus on work and achievement.
They may have a lot to learn about each other, but their natural curiosity ensures that they are rarely bored when they are together. They can spend hours discussing different ideas or theories, and these conversations are often much deeper than anything that either of them has experienced before.
The INFJ man can help the INTJ female become more aware of her own thoughts and feelings, while the INTJ girlfriend can allow the INFJ man to focus his energy on one thing at a time without being distracted.
Are INTJs and INFJs compatible in bed?
Definitely! First, both personality types tend to restrict their sexual activity to committed relationships, which helps them be on the same page about their relationship status.
Most INFJs are not naturally skilled at initiating intimacy, but they do enjoy being receptive to their partner’s advances. INTJ women may find that an INFJ partner is more willing to try new things with them than many other partners would be.
An INFJ woman can expect her INTJ partner to be both direct and intense, which is exactly what she needs. However, INTJs are usually accustomed to more sexually dominant partners, as their attitude about sex can be very “take it or leave it.” This will require one of the partners in this relationship to take initiative beyond what they’re accustomed to doing.
INFJ women are excellent at intuiting what their partners need with very little information, so they may be able to figure out specific things that the INTJ partner would enjoy without making them explicitly say anything about them.
Common INTJ and INFJ Relationship Troubles
INTJs and INFJs face their share of challenges in romantic relationships. INTJs may find themselves struggling with the emotional intensity of an INFJ partner. They may even perceive emotional intensity as a sign of weakness or a personal flaw.
INTJs may wish that their partner would stop worrying so much about feelings, while INFJs can feel smothered by INTJs’ desire for constant alone time.
Obstacles: Emotions
An important distinction for this type of relationship is that INTJs are not naturally good at interpreting emotions or reading between the lines when it comes to feelings. They are likely to be more direct in their communication with others, while INFJs are more indirect and nuanced (they hate confrontation).
This means that the INTJ partner will need to make a conscious effort to pay attention when their emotions are being discussed by their partners. It also means developing some self-awareness.
Obstacles: Personal Space
Although both types enjoy their personal space, INFJs can misinterpret the need from their partner as a slight. INTJs might also run the risk of taking their personal space at the expense of their INFJ partners who are left to deal with childcare and household chores.
Additionally, an INFJ might misinterpret a lack of verbal reassurance from an INTJ as a sign of rejection. Because INTJs don’t need a lot of emotional reassurance in a relationship, they are less inclined to give it. In the absence of effective communication, each partner might feel emotionally neglected and begin to resent the other person.
Big picture – communication is key for this pairing.
How should INTJs pursue an INFJ love interest?
INTJs should focus on expressing themselves with honesty while keeping in mind that their directness may be perceived as harsh or overwhelming by INFJs. They should avoid attempting to play games with words or actions where the INFJ might see through their ulterior motives.
In the early stages of a relationship, INTJs should freely express their interest in an INFJ. Both personality types value quality time, so an INTJ with an INFJ crush should organize dates that give them time to know each other better and have intimate conversations. And while it might not be comfortable for an INTJ at first, physical affection does make the INFP heart flutter.
How should INFJs pursue an INTJ love interest?
INFJs should be direct and honest about their feelings with an INTJ. They are not tuned in to their own emotions or the emotions of others at times, so you should be direct with them. If you like them, say so! They might not realize it otherwise.
Additionally, INFJs should create interesting activities and dates that INTJs will find intellectually stimulating. Deep conversations are their love language.
The one thing that INFJs should avoid doing is giving too much of themselves to an INTJ before they have a chance to see where it goes. INTJs don’t stay in relationships that aren’t interesting or serving them. They like to be intellectually engaged and to connect on deeper levels.
If your INTJ crush starts talking about plans that include you, you’ll know they’re into your too. Of course, you can also just ask. INTJs are straightforward and don’t like or play mind games.
Final Thoughts on the INTJ and INFJ Relationship
So, should you run for the hills if you’re an INFJ dating an INTJ? Not necessarily. If both partners are willing to communicate openly and directly with each other, then there is potential for a successful relationship. However, it’s important to be aware of the potential dangers that lurk in this type of pairing and to take steps to avoid them. With a little effort, these two personality types can learn to understand and appreciate one another – but it won’t happen overnight. If you’re up for the challenge, don’t be afraid to give this relationship a try!
